Ok, we moved across the country a few years ago and I have never felt like I got back into the groove.  Seriously.  Like my so called groove was left back in the other state.  How does one loose their groove?  I have no idea, but I know a good chunk of it’s gone.  I feel like a piece of me is somewhere else.  I run a few minutes late (which of course I hate) I forget items on my damn grocery list – ok, sometimes I forget the entire list.  My filing is sadly overdue, my junk drawer is very junky.  My motivation needs some motivation!!

Perhaps (just a wild guess) it has something to do with the fact that I am now in my forties?  Maybe I’ll blame it on that.  Maybe I’ll blame it on the fact that this is the year I broke down and got bifocals for gods sake!  I’m the type of person that is REALLY bothered when the closets are messy — and my closet is messy.  Maybe I’ll start with my closet, then I can go to the grocery store (with my lists) wait, the dog is staring at me.  Never-mind, I’ll take her for a walk instead.

Schizophrenia:  A state characterized by the coexistence of contradictory or incompatible elements.

My parents were completely incompatible elements.  Seriously.  I have no idea how they thought being together was a good idea.  Both have said to me at one point or another that they got married because their parents thought “it was time.”  Fabulous reason to get married, no??  I can’t think of any better reason.  Let the party begin!!

My mom often told me when I got older that it should have been an omen that they never even had their wedding pictures developed, there is only one picture of of my mom from the wedding.  It shows her having the veil placed on her head and it looks like she’s kind of sick to her stomach.  I wonder why I never wanted to get married?  Honestly, I don’t remember ever daydreaming about my wedding day, never ever gave a second thought to what my wedding dress should look like.  Nope not me.

So here I am now, married for a fairly impressive amount of time to a great guy who puts up with my crap (and vice versa.)  Life is a mystery, but I know one thing for sure – I don’t want my kid to think of his parents as completely incompatible elements – at least not until his teens…

I was in 3rd grade waiting for my  ex-step-aunt’s (my whole family really embraces divorce) gymnastic class to end.  I brought a book to read  (they are always a great way to opt out from being social, right?) and sat down.  I watched the class for awhile and started to read.  I had done this a lot lately after school, she had class twice a week and then we went home to her house until our Moms got off work.

So — I’m sitting there reading, the class is finally ending, I close my book and look up and notice a girl from the class walking over to me.  What? That’s weird, why is she coming straight over to me?? I don’t know her, I start to panic, I look around to see if she is coming to talk to someone else — she stops in front of me and starts frantically moving her hands — what the hell is she doing????  Is she having a seizure or something???  She stops, takes a breath and goes slower and says as she keeps moving her hands “h-e-l-l-o m-y  n-a-m-e  i-s D-e-b-b-i-e, w-h-a-t  i-s  y-o-u-r  n-a-m-e?” What??! She thinks I’m deaf, perfect….  My so called aunt is now laughing hysterically and says “she’s not deaf, she’s just bored!”  oh. my. god. I am now totally mortified.

I have always been shy – like seriously, socially awkward (terrified, horrified, petrified — you name the ied and I’m it.)  Being an only child whose Mom worked, moved a lot and spent the days mostly by myself probably didn’t help and combine that with a fascination with people watching (so much easier than actually talking to a person)  I was a very unchatty kid.  It probably didn’t help that I was always told that I was “so adult”, “so grown up for my age,” that kind of happens when you’re on your own.

My mind races with witty conversation, things I should say — but does it actually come out of my mouth? Nope.  I get so caught up in not saying something stupid – that of course, I say something stupid…Ugh… and the worst part?  It has never changed!!

I often think back to the whole gym class debacle as proof that I’ve always had a problem with social situations — please, oh please, don’t ask me to mingle, life is just cruel sometimes.